If you communicate your needs and desires honestly and respectfully, you may be surprised at how quickly some of your stressful events dissipate. Many stressful situations stem from misunderstandings.

First, remind yourself that you have the right to ask for what you want, if done respectfully. Ask the person you wish to speak with for a good time to talk, instead of just barging into their office or room. Before you go into a tense conversation, plan what you will say and practice. Make sure you keep to your point, and try to keep the discussion from getting off target. Use the following "PFC" model as a guide:

Problem - State the problem in clear, behavioral terms without judgment. For example: "I'm having a problem when you don't come home close to when you say you will."

Feeling - Let the person know how you feel when they engage in the problem behavior. Use I statements (e.g., "I feel frustrated"), instead of you statements (e.g., "you make me feel..."). For example: "I worry that something bad has happened to you."

Change Sought - Indicate what specific changes in behavior would alleviate this problem for you. Don't use vague impressionistic language like "I need you to stop acting like a jerk." Rather, define the problem behaviorally like "I need you to call if you're working late, so I will not worry." Follow the request with the question "are you willing to do that?" You may need to modify your request. Negotiation is a part of assertiveness.

Make sure you listen to what the other person is saying. If what they are saying isn't clear to you, go over it again (“Let me make sure I understand...”). Work with the individual to come up with a solution that will work for both of you. Don’t always try to win an argument. Sometimes the best solution is to say, “You’re right!”

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